Five Conversation Stoppers That Sabotage Deep Connections and Intimacy

How do you respond to others determines your depth of conversation and connection.

If you want your partner, business associate, or date to be honest, vulnerable, direct, and feel good when your conversation is over, you must respond correctly. What does this mean? You have to show interest, be present, and have skills to keep others open and sharing.

Often, the opposite happens. If you have had a bad day, are uncomfortable with the subject matter, or never learned how to react appropriately, you may inadvertently silence your partner with the wrong response. Conversation stoppers are not only going to shut down communication, but will also make further attempts at connecting less likely.

Most people don’t try to intentionally stop others from communicating and telling their story. So when they realize what they are doing, they can usually see how they affect others with their behavior.

Although the following conversation stoppers may be uncomfortable to examine, try to honestly evaluate yourself. Once you recognize them, you may find it easier to stop.

Conversation Stopper #1 – Blaming Your Partner for the Problem

When a person talks about something embarrassing they are usually looking for understanding and support. That doesn’t necessarily mean you must agree with everything they are saying. You must be willing to listen and encourage them to continue in a judgment-free zone. 

Take a look at our article on tips for not thinking about your Ex.

Conversation Stopper #2 – Erasing

It doesn’t matter how you “erase” someone, the effect is the same. The other person will feel like you are just not interested or present to listen. You might stop their sharing by being completely silent, showing no emotion or reaction, offering a quick fix response, or not stopping what you are doing to listen. Another way to erase someone is to change the subject without recognizing what they are saying.

Conversation Stopper #3 – Shock

Shock or outrage responses are exaggerated, negative, and/or challenging reactions to what the other person is sharing. The responder’s goal is to shut down the other’s real or imagined emotional hyper-reactivity by outdoing it. Instead of giving emotional support, the responding partner becomes outraged, shocked, or surprised and, by doing so, communicates that the issue is ridiculous.

Conversation Stopper #4 – Making It About You

This is self explanatory. This scenario occurs when someone turns the focus of the conversation back on themselves. Even worse when a person is sharing their very personal story. A once famous therapist, Virginia Satir, used to call this the infamous “Quarterback-Sneak”.

Conversation Stopper #5 – Superior Judge

Many people have strong opinions about the way dilemmas should be handled and/or feel the need to correct others. Even if you do know more, you should not be eager to teach, disdain, criticize, or condemn them. The criticized partner might argue, resist, or counter-criticize. They will eventually leave the congregation if you keep up the preaching.

Superior knowledge or experience may have value, but only when sought out. When another person is sharing a story they will probably not accept your critique without feeling validated. Unsolicited advice is not a good response to any problem.

How to Keep the Conversation Going

1. Ask questions and listen.
2. When others need support, listen carefully without criticizing, invalidating, preaching, directing, erasing, blaming, correcting, judging, or making it about you. 
3. Before reacting, ask what you can do to help and clarify. You must understand what they are communicating, if unsure. 
4. Always take other’s concerns seriously and express your interest and support, even if you have reservations at the time.
5. Know that most people eventually solve their own problems when they have someone who respects their point of view.

Looking for more Conversation Stoppers? You can find more in this Psychology Today article.